These days, writing for my own amusement has become difficult. I’m more inclined towards writing for a fee. Nonetheless, I still try to write for fun. Well, in recent times, I rarely publish my pieces for the public. But just trust me, I do write, or have I ever lied to you?
You would think that you truly know yourself because most times, you own exclusive rights to your identity. Yet, there would always be those elusive details.
Perhaps, if we could break ourselves into fundamental units, to quarks and electrons, then put every unit back in place piece by piece, we would grasp more of all the negatives and positives we host in our being. But nothing ever really breaks evenly.
Still, I think it is worth the effort — to break one’s self on occasion. Of course, not physically — that would be too painful. And perhaps only morticians and physicians may benefit from such procedure.
I refer to attrition in the abstract — to experience feelings so intense they crush you. But they do not kill you or break you irreparably. They just test the limits of how you can re-imagine yourself. For me, this attrition is my unhealthy and unending cycle of introspection.
Unhealthy because my balance between extro- and introspection favors the latter. Unending because I spend too much time in my head — sometimes I momentarily forget what the outside world looks like.
But I swear it is not all bad. I’ve had cathartic revelations as I looked into myself and into my past.
I’ve always been a bit robotic — never really been able to navigate social cues. And as a younger person, I always felt like a social weirdo. To be honest, there were rarely days being the socially odd one was hip. At one point, I could barely look people in their faces while holding a conversation with them. Heck! I could barely converse with people.
Being like this was a bit tough because I did not understand why I was that way. And I was used to understanding things — logical things. So, all in all, it was unusual and unsettling.
I rue that it was easy for some people who perceived my social deficiency to con me with it. One story I will never let go of is of the two friends (they were my closest friends at that time) who conspired to slander my name. I was unsure of how to react to that situation, and I chose to play the hero. Because that is what Naruto would have done. That was a huge mistake! Never again!
Yes, I could only learn some of my social reactions from cartoons. I did not know how to spend time around people. Interestingly, as time went by, I forced myself into social situations. Although, in many cases, I survived them on jokes. I was either laughing or telling the joke, never really socializing.
But a long time has passed since then. I’ve had beloved friends grow cold me on me, and I never know why. The coldness did not do much for my social confidence. It may have even worsened things for me because I am even extra anxious when I have to go outside — just because.
No, the friendships did not grow cold because I did not reach out to them. In many of those friendships, I did well enough, even more than the other party. I was not keeping count. It is just when things are visibly lopsided they are harder to deny. Perhaps, it ended because my interests have been invariable while theirs evolved.
I’ve got so many stories highlighting my clumsy social life. But this piece is not where I tell it all.
I always blamed myself for being the way I am. I thought I was not trying hard enough. But recently, I made a diagnosis. In all honesty, it has been a bit of relief and terror. Relief because it was not me all along (It was Agatha!). Terrifying because there might actually be an issue I have to deal with now.
Why do sparrows love the snow?